I just got a call this morning, and my mom verified of who's going to take my little brother to Anchorage. So. She's not coming to my graduation. The person who brought me to my first day of school isn't able to make it to my graduation. Hate the idea of it.

ohmygosh

I'm so nervous. Hopefully my plans will work out. For right now, I wanna make it to the egg hunt in 30 minutes. Hopefully the laundry will be done before then and make it over. =/.....=>

AAAAAH!

I'M SO STRESSED OUT!!!! 25 MORE DAYS TILL GRADUATION AND I HAVE A SHIT LOAD TO FINISH! HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS? GOD PLEASE HELP ME.

Strength Is Inside of Me.

I'm going to try get my life in order again. I'm going to keep strong. Let my passed loved ones proud of me. When i get kicked down, I'll go back up-- no matter what it takes. No one will bring me down so low again. I'll know my limits. Please give me strength to do so. With your help, i could do anything. Let me finish what i started. Give me the wisdom to know what to do. Everything happens for a reason.

What's on today's menu?

Gram. i wish you were here. you were the one who never let me down. who i know loved me. you kept me on track. You always were there for me. Wonder how today will go.

Cup is Half Empty.

Rght now... all i see are flashbacks. My sister, eliza, my gram. Not fair. SO not fair. Life isn't fair. Shit it's not. why do i keep on stumbling? At least i'm not falling now. Head high. Feelings down. The real me is down, and she fuckin wants to rise back up again. How will she do that? Shit life isn't fair. WHen i'm i going to feel normal again? My heart's not full anymore.

It's Over.

Assumptions... judging the book by its cover.
I shouldn't have.
My assumption lead to realization.
I assumed you were one of those good guys.
I realized you're not.
This is where I walk away.

Is it the end?

I'll cherish the memories. I'll keep them till the end guaranteed.I wish it didn't happen like this, since I thought of you as a sister. Now. I don't know. It's like you took a gun and took a blow to my heart. But the time has come for me to accept that we both changed a lot, and i could live with that. Even though i don't exactly know how you feel, I want out. This has grown too big.

For My Motivation

one step at a time.
you could finish this.
don't give up.
don't give up and you'll have the feeling of accomplishment.
give it all you got and you'll Finish.

Favorite Quotes

--The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins.  ~Heywood Broun
--He who has nothing to die for has nothing to live for.  ~Moroccan Proverb
--There is no finish line.  ~Nike advertisement
--In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.  ~Charlie Brown
--Life is a sexually transmitted disease- R.D. Laing
--If you stop struggling, then you stop life.  ~Huey Newton
--It's just life.  Just live it.  ~Terri Guillemets
--Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.  ~Arthur
--I have a simple philosophy:  Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.  ~Alice Roosevelt Longworth Miller
--My formula for living is quite simple.  I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night.  In between, I occupy myself as best I can.  ~Cary Grant
--don't just sit there and growl...bark..sam johnson
--Why torture yourself when life'll do it for you?  ~Author Unknown
--Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.  ~Mark Twain
--Life is the game that must be played.  ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
--Life will always remain a gamble, with prizes sometimes for the imprudent, and blanks so often to the wise.  ~Jerome K.
--
Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.  ~Ashleigh Brilliant

--Life is an incurable Disease.  ~Abraham Cowley
--Life is a compromise of what your ego wants to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.  ~Bruce Crampton
--All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock Ellis

Once and Always

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
We weren't really together is what he said.
So he didn't really care. I don't need to care either.
He cheated.
I'm not hurt. I would have, if i still really liked him.
It's reassuring to know the truth.
Now he's saying we should hang out again.
I don't have a right mind now, but i will stay with him.
To mess him up.
I want my my revenge.
I want to hurt him.
...I'll get my revenge.
...I'll hurt him so bad.
...I'll have my type of fun.
Once a cheater, Always a cheater.

Mom.. please come

please please please please.
Dad. Let Mom come. I need her. I NEED her.
I want her. I want her to come. So
please please please please.
Let my mom come.

please please please please.
Weather. Let Mom come. I need her. I NEED her.
I want her. I want her to come. So
please please please PLEASE.
Let her come. God please. Let her come.

please please please please.
Mom, come. I need you to come. I NEED you to come.
I want you. I want you to come. So
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Mom. Come. I love you Mom. Please come.

Set Me Free

i wanna GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. GRAM. TARRESS. ELIZA. HELP ME. DON'T GO AWAY.
I DON'T WANT to turn away from you. I want this to be right. Take away this hurt. Tell me wat i have to to do. Tell me want i gotta do. Miss you guys so much.
Struggling.

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to Ashes

Can't get you off my head.
What did you do with my mind?
You're in it all the time.
What made you so special?
Now matter how much i try to get you out of it, you won't make it out of there.
How long will it take?
It's not a matter of choice and i don't have the will power., 
I wish it could be and i wish i had that.
But there's no use for one and tons of fire burning suns in the galaxy because all will come back to strike me again and again.
You had my heart, you had all of me.
And guess what you did with it?
You just threw me into the fire place, burned it, and blew my heart away.
I lay on my knees with little hope, and feeling i won't ever put the ashes back together. To make me again. 
I preciously pick up what was left, store them away, and look up at the stars, and wish upon a star.
Close my eyes shut.
Take my light out.
Feel the burn.
Feel the release.
And feel the wholeness once again.
Now I feel the power.
I get the box of ashes, and blow you away.
No more scars. Not from you at least.

Untitled.

i don't want to die...
i just wish i wasnt born...
i wish i could stop breathing...
and stop feeling the pain that impairs me...
but on top all of that...

I WISH I HAD A BETTER LIFE

Introvert

The hell am i supposed to do?
don't want to feel this anymore
how am i supposed to push it away?
please.
not death.
no more scars.
no more bruises.
no more.
i guess i just do what my instincts are telling me.
hide it. always.

Have Faith

because-- that's everything i have to say.....
because you are my everything, my soul, my heart and i don't want you to feel this way because i love you like crazy and i want to help you because you need it. you are very important to me. like a precious jade. you are my very special gemstone. but that's just an object. you are you are the reason to believe theres hope and faith, and everything else in this world and beyond it. It could take FOREVER to explain what you mean to me and i dont want you to wait on. I hope this is enough to say i love you.
I love you.

For me

Every now and then
i feel the pain
All the bullshit hits just like that
When it comes i feel so drained
Hasn't it been enough?
I guess not.
Thoughts come back and back
You don't think it's enough and enough
but is it necessary?

**Why does this happen to me?
just take it away, and give me somthing
i'd feel lucky to have,
i won't take it for granted, i promise,please
make it last for more than a day or two
make it last for a while
Make me regain what was taken away
or send me off in my plane
either way just take me far away
make me forget

now i feel it everyday,
again and again
what should i do?
what shouldn't i do?
just give me the answers i want
give me the answers i need
before the whole world drops me into the dirt,
into my grave--
Rest In Peace, yeah that's what i need
give me the peace that will hang around

Why does this happen to me?
just take it away, and give me somthing
i'd feel lucky to have,
i won't take it for granted, i promise,please
make it last for more than a day or two
make it last for a while
Make me regain what was taken away
or send me off in my plane
either way just take me far away
make me forget

Finally you give it to me
my answers i should've gotten long ago
Finally you take my chains off my scarred wrists
THis is what i've been waiting for
*Poof* Tears stream down my cheeks
this is what i've been waiting for
these are tears of relief, i ton of it
I feel the release of the cuffs
you can't imagine how it feels
it feels like a won a greatest prize
complete and uncut
i'm finally happy

**Why does this happen to me?
just take it away, and give me somthing
i'd feel lucky to have,
i won't take it for granted, i promise,please
make it last for more than a day or two
make it last for a while
Make me regain what was taken away
or send me off in my plane
either way just take me far away
make me forget

The past is done, the future is now
Don't take it away, i finally feel lucky
i don't know how but
i will NOT take it for granted
I'll keep my promise, i wont forget.

I Don't Want To Lose You

I miss you already.
You have been there all of my life.
Thinking about you leaving me is making me feel so unsteady.
I'm not ready to feel the great loss, and grief.
I don't want to cry even though you're still here.
When you're gone, i'll be insincere, i'll feel fear and pain everywhere.
I can't imagine you anywhere but beside me.
I can't.
I can't.
I really can't.
You can't go.
Don't leave me.
I'll never be ready to let you go.
But who knows... Maybe i'll be so happy that you're not in pain anymore.